So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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