You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
