Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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