My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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