Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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