Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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