i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
