i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
