had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
