Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
