I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's blow job season.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
