It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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