i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
