Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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