i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
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Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
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Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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