I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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