A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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