Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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