The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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