Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
