It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
