College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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