Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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