You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
