i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
