I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
