Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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