Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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