im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
