he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just took my morning after pill in the library
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
