If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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