come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
