we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
