I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
