i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
