Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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