I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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