Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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