if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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