Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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