at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
