I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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