Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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