i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
