Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
