GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
