My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
