That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
