Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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