I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
