just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
