On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
