I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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