I faked an abortion last night.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
