I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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