I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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