I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
