my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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